


Out On A Limb

by gokkyun



Category: Metal Gear
Genre: Angst, Canon Disabled Character, Hurt, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-22
Updated: 2015-10-22
Packaged: 2018-04-27 13:08:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,189
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5049781
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gokkyun/pseuds/gokkyun
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kaz has come to hate rainy days.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Out On A Limb

**Author's Note:**

> Hey. I've been a little fed up with my writing and MGS lately but between a few games of League of Legends (ew) I kinda felt the urge to ... write this. I hope I can pick my will to write back up. I think. 
> 
> Set during TPP with TPP ending spoilers. Centered on Kaz with BBKaz and a portion of VKaz. Enjoy, despite my lacking motivation.

Harsh rain is pouring down onto the ocean's storm-driven waves, an unforgiving wind is howling through the corners of Mother Base's buildings while the large water droplets beat against their rooftops. 

It's on these rare rainy days that Kaz's mind drifts off, the view of the rain and the sound of it clashing against the windowpane of his office making him feel not only nostalgic but also lonely. It's not only his memories that pay him a grim visit on those dark days, but also the bitter calling of his lost arm and his lost leg. The pain in those phantom limbs is excruciating and almost unbearable at times, especially so during bad weather, but it's not like Kazuhira Miller to show this to anyone around him. Questions about if he was alright whenever he holds onto his arm or leg with shaking fingers are enough to annoy him already, the worry and the pity of others nothing but a nuissance and offense to his broken ego. 

Of course he knows about the whispers behind his back, of how his only reason to get up in the morning is revenge and nothing but revenge, of how his paranoia is going to eat him up one day and Kaz tries hard not to care. Unfortunately, it's not working. Nothing ever seems to work for him the way he wants to anymore. 

Just like today.

This rain causes memories inside of him that make him long for that man that isn't by his side anymore. Kaz knew from the beginning that the man he now calls Boss and Snake isn't the same man who he also called John. It was obvious by the way the new Boss brushed his arm in the chopper after the rescue, hesitant and slow, and how his voice wouldn't send shivers down Kaz's spine whenever he said Kaz's name. 

All of it, especially that shrapnel horn, made sense when Ocelot told him the inevitable truth. Or that's what that man's silver tongue tried to sell Kaz but he wouldn't buy it. Not all of it at least. And how could he? As if he would believe Ocelot, equally as treacherous and poisonous as the other variable crossing and blocking John's and Kaz's path for several times now. Zero. 

A long sigh that he didn't know he's been holding onto breaks past Kaz's lips, the grip on the black pen he's holding onto tightening in frustration. He tries to block out the sea of thoughts ghosting through his head but it doesn't work. Of course not. 

Instead his gloved fingertips let go off the pen, carelessly dropping it onto the large wooden desk in his office as he lets his aching back and throbbing head rest against the leather chair he's been spending his days and nights on. This forsaken thing has been the only place Kaz has been able to find sleep in, his bed empty and his head full of nightmares and recurring memories. 

Kaz remembers the first couple of nightmares he's had. He woke up covered in sweat in the infirmary after his rescue, struggling to hold back a cry of agony as memories of torture flooded his brain and the feeling of inability to move his missing limbs manifested throughout his body. He told himself that these horrors in his head would subside and eventually disappear one day, but he knew back then just as well as he knows now that it was childish naivety. The dark circles under his eyes are making this fact painfully obvious.

Breathing in, Kaz spins the chair around, his tired eyes gazing out of the window in front of him. Despite the rain causing him to have these memories about that man, John, it's still a more pleasing view than the countless documents and contracts on his desk. He takes off his beret and aviators with a sigh, placing both on the desk behind him. 

Closing his worn-out and heavy eyes, Kaz listens to the rain and it's all too familiar melody. It rained on that day, too. On that day where he was without a country, without a home, but with a grenade in his hands, ready to go to hell and take the man in front of him with him. Even after all these years, Kaz can still feel Big Boss' gaze going through him as he wraps his hands around Kaz's to stop the grenade from going off. Even as they were enemies, Kaz couldn't help but gaze into the other man's single eye, the deep blue in it so strong and forceful that it sent shivers down his spine. 

Not only did John save their lives on that day, but he also helped Kaz to find his way and ultimately a home for both of them in the coming days, weeks and years. During all of this time they spent together, building and forming each other's dreams, Kazuhira could always feel John's gaze laying upon him. The older man's eye was like a needle pressing into Kaz's soft skin but that needle never went deep enough to hurt him. 

This rain, it doesn't only remind Kaz of how him and John met though, it reminds him of so many more days he has fond memories of. But the most significant of those memories is probably that one stormy night in which both of them were unable to find sleep. Back then, he saw the man as nothing more than a close comrade and his boss but it all changed during those late hours. Those hours in which John told Kaz about her. 

The Boss. 

Kaz had heard of her back then, how couldn't he have, but he never asked for Big Boss' take on the whole story or who the woman that was known as the mother of Special Forces really was. And until then, he didn't think that he would ever hear someone speak so fondly about another human being, John's voice so full of admiration and sympathy but always with a lingering hint of regret. And that blue eye, moving with bittersweet emotions as it stared back at Kaz, as if it was about to pull him into the memories the older man was talking about. 

And then John placed his hand on Kaz's shoulder, like it had already done a thousand times and yet it was so different, so very different that it send shivers down Kaz's spine, the sudden ache in his stomach and the longing for Big Boss' recognition even worse than it was before. He wanted that blue eye to look at him with the same affection it had as John spoke of The Boss.

And for some time it did. A better time, a time where Kaz's mind wasn't filled with the thought of revenge and the longing for a man's touch that he hasn't seen in almost a decade because that man - Big Boss - just left him behind like this. As if the affection in John's gaze was nothing but a lie. But Kaz knows it wasn't. Or at least that's what his pitiful mind tries to make him believe. Maybe that's childish naivety as well. 

A sudden wetness on his cheek along with a soft pressure on his upper legs pulls Kaz out of his daydreaming. His eyes shoot open just to see DD in front of him, leaning onto his legs and jumping up to try and reach Kaz's face with his tongue. "DD, drop it!", an all too familiar voice commands from across the room and the dog immediately listens, padding over to Snake's side. The wrong Snake. 

Kaz frowns. That man's face, so similar to John's and yet so different, is the last thing he wants to see right now. "Didn't I tell you that I don't want DD in here? You know I … like him but he always messes up my documents.", he grunts, his gloved hand carefully brushing over his eyes as he turns the chair around to face Snake. 

"Yeah, sorry, but he was whimpering about the rain. Can't just let him stay outside alone.", Snake replies and Kaz watches with his still present frown as the man walks over to stand next to his chair. "Are you okay? You seem incredibly worn-out.", Venom's hand reaches out for Kaz's face, it's touch warm and to Kaz's distaste comfortable. He flinches as he remembers the missing beret and glasses on him, the two items usually overshadowing his lack of sleep and rest. 

"I-I'm just fine.", Kaz hisses, turning his head to his side to avoid Snake's touch. He hates this, hates how that man's touches are so casual and yet so very caring that it reminds him of the man whose touch he truly longs for. 

The other Snake, or Venom as Ocelot referred to him, he's been trying to get closer to Kaz for a while now. The man's caring attitude is contagious, making Kaz give in to his caring words on several occasions and sharing part of his personal worries, little by little. But it's not only those words, it's also Venom's hands that are becoming more and more confident in the way they touch Kaz's leaner frame, no matter if the older man helps him out of a chopper or gives him a caring touch on the small of his back. The subtle touches and soft words, along with the closeness of their faces, would've lead to a kiss by now if it weren't for Kaz's unwillingness and refusal to press his lips against lips other than John's. 

However, as Snake - Venom - turns around to leave, Kaz feels his heartbeat stop for a second there. He's unsure whether it is the memories that ghost through him on days like this or if it's simply his mind longing for something - or someone - to hold onto. But as Kaz sees Venom's back in front of him, broad and inviting, he sees John's back. "Snake", he whispers and it's a whisper that he hasn't heard from himself in over nine years, so full of affection and craving that it makes his head spin. 

As the man in front of him turns around, Kaz gets pulled back into reality. Instead of seeing John's face, he sees Venom's face - and how could it have been different. There isn't this blue eye he wants to feel gazing upon him, but instead there's an alteration of it, it's gaze softer but with the same longing and it sickens Kaz, it sickens him almost as much as gazing onto these scars that are all wrong, onto the fine lines on Venom's cheek that should be much rougher, rough like John's. But they aren't. 

The pain in Kaz's chest is deep and agonizing, intense enough for his mind to go completely numb as his hand reaches forward. It wraps around one of Venom's wrists, pulling him closer and his face on Kaz's level who is still sitting down. 

Even up close, Venom's face is all wrong, so wrong that it makes Kaz frown, his teeth biting down on his lower lip as he closes his misty eyes, mind and heart so weak that he's on the verge of tears. How pathetic. Maybe, just maybe, these lips will feels like John's, he chants in his head as he closes the gap between their lips for the first time and Kaz wishes he wouldn't feel that agonizing guilt rushing through his heart. 

Venom's mouth is hesitant against Kaz's, yet unyielding. Their lips move slowly against each other while their bodies remain unmoving, like both of them aren't sure of all this and most of all this new feeling they share. 

A shiver then travels down Kaz's spine and into his leg and arm and he could swear he even feels it in his missing limbs and he whimpers into the kiss, not sure if it's out of joy or out of despair. The older man's stubble brushes against his upper lip, a familiar contrast on his own skin and Kaz feels like tearing up. It's like he's feeling John's presence still lingering in Venom's body. Something inside of Kaz hurts, in an exquisite and sickeningly captivating way. 

Swallowing, Kaz parts his and Venom's lips, although he keeps his eyes closed. "Please go.", he murmurs and it's almost too much to say without breaking down and therefore allowing the other man even further into Kaz's comfort zone.

"Kaz, are you su-".

"Just. Go.". 

It hurts him in a way he doesn't understand as Venom pulls his wrist out of Kaz's grasp, almost carelessly so. The older man leaves the room without saying another word, not even to DD, Kaz watching with now half-lidded eyes as Venom gives the dog a pat on the back and a few hand gestures. 

As the door closes behind them, Kaz props his elbow on the cluttered desk in front of him and buries his warm and probably flushed face in his hand. Dampness pushes through the fabric of his black gloves and onto his fingertips as warm tears roll down his cheeks.


End file.
